Today I’m going to teach you how to be a successful cow whisperer.
Let’s start with a brief history of the bovine: Before the cow was domesticated, these vicious predators roamed the streets of ancient Greece, hunting in packs and preying on small eunuchs and errant Minotaurs. Since their capture they’ve been knocked down a peg or two and are now best known for providing us with milk and taking advantage of Hindus.
Cow whispering is all about goading cows into doing what you want them to by applying peer pressure and appealing to their herd mentality.
By combining social pressure to conform and simple bovine psychology, you will not only end
up with a cow that is your friend, but more importantly, your personal bartender.
Before you get started you’ll need a handful of grass, a list of jokes that make fun of horses, and your “inside voice.”
Once you have all these, all you need is a cow. They can be found in farmers’ fields and pet stores. If you don’t find one there try a cow brothel, or, “milking station” as the politically correct would call them.
So let’s get started, shall we? First, figure out what it is you want the cow to do for you… Let’s say, for this demonstration, I want the cow to pour me a drink…
Start off by talking to the cow in a gentle and soothing voice. Subtly insinuate that all the cool cows are bartending for humans. This allows the animal to become used to the tone of your soft but persuasive voice while intuiting that you’re someone who likes to push cows around because you can.
Now that a rapport has been established, get your hands dirty and offer to milk it. If the cow has been given hormones to simulate pregnancy and produce milk, it will greatly appreciate your efforts. If not, well, you get to cop a feel.
The main thing is you want to bond. Make fun of horses. You’ve got the list of jokes; use it. A good opening gag is the classic: “How many horses does it take to screw in a light bulb?”
“20. One to hold the ladder and one to securely screw in the light bulb with glue that was made by rendering plants that used the waste, fat, and bone from the other 18 dead horses.”
…Trust me, cows love this one.
(Mike’s Helpful Hint: When whispering jokes to the cow, don’t use puns. Cows don’t understand them. To tell a cow that she is “udderly hilarious” is a waste of a mediocre joke.)
At this point it’s time to ease up on the peer pressure and to listen to the cow. It’ll tell you things like “moo” “moo” and “moo.” Pretend not to be bored. Respond with statements like “You’re fascinating!” and “Tell me more!” Sure, it’s an old ploy used by teenage girls everywhere, but that’s because it works.
Next, feed the beast. Cows eat grass: they’re the ultimate cheap date. But remember, they are very insecure about their weight. Use this to get a leg-up on the cow: Tell it that the bell around its neck doesn’t make its ass look fat.
Now that the cow is fed and trusts you, the time has come to take advantage of that trust and get it to do your bidding. If you’ve done the previous steps correctly, a simple, “Hey Bessie, make me a piña colada. Chop, chop!” should do the trick.
From here all you need to do is enjoy being lord of the food-chain while your new bovine bartender pours you a cold one.