Bad Movie Pitches

Zombies of Nam
(Dawn of the Dead meets Apocalypse Now meets Pretty Woman)

Teens love zombies, men love war flicks, and the ladies love romance.

Zombies of Nam is the one vehicle that can drive all those demographics to box office pay dirt and still maintain its artistic integrity.

The story: It’s 1967, the U.S. army is struggling in Vietnam, and the Pentagon wants results.

But what to do?

Enter the almost renowned scientist, Dr. Claudius Ferbling, a seemingly meek and kind-hearted nebbish who may or may not be a KGB operative. With the help of his seemingly groovy assistant, the swarthy Latino Raymundo Salazar (who may or may not be an FBI agent who is spying on Ferbling), he creates a secret army of G.I. Zombies.

“Unyielding, Unrepentant and Undead” (the movie’s tagline), the zombified soldiers are released into the rice fields of Vietnam and proceed to strike mind boggling terror into the enemy thanks to their natural penchant for eating their brains.

Led by the technically dead, understandably soulless yet morally upright Sergeant, Chuck Meat (Charlie Sheen), the zombies lay waste to the Viet Cong… And along the way they share a few laughs!

Everything is going to plan until it stops going to plan and goes horribly wrong. The trouble starts when the requisite renegade heartthrob zombie, Private Skin (Justin Bieber), convinces his fellow zombies to defy Meat and turn their unseemly appetites on civilians and – even worse – other American soldiers.

Meat is deserted by his zombies who continue their rampage in search of fresh brains and a spicy dipping sauce. Now on his own, the humiliated and friendless zombie sergeant returns to base, and, through a series of indecipherable moans and groans, somehow informs his superiors of the mutinous zombies.

Meanwhile in Washington, the seemingly meek and possible KGB operative, Dr. Claudius Ferbling, and his seemingly groovy assistant and possible FBI agent, Raymundo Salazar, start hanging out together in bars where they loudly and drunkenly slur their misgivings about creating the zombie army.

That’s when the FBI arrests Salazar and the KGB arrests Ferbling. The two men are sent to an unnamed prison and forced to share a cell. Could there be the seeds of love in this unlikely relationship? Turns out the answer is no. Two days into their incarceration, Claudius stabs Raymundo to death over a pack of smokes.

Back in Vietnam, word of the rebellious zombies reaches the ears of General Flack, the company’s blustering, hot-headed, and surprisingly effeminate leader. General Flack orders “Project Zombie” halted, but the problem remains – how to stop them?

Meat meets Gloria, (Kim Kardashian) the General’s daughter. She’s a triage nurse and semi-retired effervescent hooker with a heart of, if not gold, at least copper. He falls for her. Hard. But can a zombie Sergeant find love with an officer’s giggling and slutty daughter? Of course he can.

The two frolic through Saigon in a whirlwind romance. Meat pitches woo. Gloria quivers. Meat eats a brain. Gloria laughs. Meat proposes. Gloria accepts.

But the General forbids his daughter to wed a zombie and Meat sinks into an alcoholic abyss that there’s absolutely no crawling out of. Gloria confronts Meat and calls him a coward, a drunk, and a lost zombie cause. Then she tells him she loves him anyway.

Meat crawls out of his alcoholic abyss, beefs up, stops drinking, finds his true inner zombie, and does it all to the musical strains of Engelbert Humperdinck’s “Release Me (And Let Me Love Again).”

The zombies descend on Saigon. A rejuvenated Meat single-handedly destroys them all and saves the city but not before they turn Gloria into a zombie.

The General, in appreciation, and now pretty much disgusted by his zombie daughter, allows her and Meat to wed. Meat is decorated as a hero. He and Gloria return to the States to start a new life together.

Upon arriving home, Meat is spat on by a pair of elderly and scruffy hippies (cameos by Jane Fonda and Jon Voight). Meat and Gloria eat their brains. They then laugh their way into the sunset.

Fade to Black…